Evan's First Night Without Daddy

Last night, as a van pulled away with my husband in it, I was more concerned with how I was going to handle it than I was my son's reaction. Evan is a very resilient little boy, adn most of the time, if one does not make a fuss over the issue, he may not even notice something is amiss. Yesterday was no exception for my baby boy. I allowed him to play outside until 2100, as those lovely summer nights equate to no nightfall until well after bedtime. He waved goodbye to Daddy and continued to play. No problem. But then bedtime hit. Teeth were brushed, jammies were donned, and the boy was tucked in. But then I heard the little footsteps padding down the stairs. Big, fat tears rolling down his little angel face. "Mommy, my Daddy's not here! You have to read me two stories since he isn't here!" His tiny fists held out two story books, and so we read. The tears continued. "Mommy, I can't give Daddy a hug and kiss goodnight!" I offered him a picture frame with a small snapshot of John in it, but this simply would not do. So I zoomed in on a picture of John's face I had saved on the computer, to where it appeared almost life-sized. Evan kissed his Daddy on the screen, but insisted he take the smaller framed picture to bed with him. But then it was "Mommy, I want to sleep in something that reminds me of Daddy." I dug through a basket of clean laundry to offer up a tee for my baby to sleep in, but no. It had to smell like Daddy. So hand-in-hand, Evan and I traipsed up the stairs to locate John's cologne so Evan could smell Daddy while he drifted off to sleep. Before I knew it, all was silent, and I was alone with my thoughts. I missed him.

He isn't .....

...At MEPS. He called his recruiter yesterday and asked when he was going to be picked up to go, and the recruiter said that there was some sort of problem with paperwork and he wouldn't be going until tonight. So here we go again.

Laziness= Me

Blee-blee-Do-da Blah-blah-blah...... Guess what? I have done nothing today other than the crying jag just completed about 2 minutes ago. I am not even cooking dinner, as our neighbors have decided that tonight is a communal taco night. So when they get home from their daughter's soccer practice, I am going to be consuming other people's food. I have not cleaned. I have not done laundry. I can't even remember if I brushed my hair, though I distinctly remember taking a shower and pulling it back. My husband is leaving tomorrow. He may come back as a committed US Soldier. So I could not care less if the laundry is done. Or the house is clean. All I care about at this point in time is absorbing all of John that I can while he is here by my side. While I can still hear him breathe as we fall asleep together at night. While I can still feel his strong arm's around me and the beat of his heart while we cuddle up to a movie. I feel like my breath is being taken from me. The mundane details will have to wait.

0300?

I was awakened by two different things this morning, both of which are extremely aggravating. The first was this awful dream I had about John and the military. He had reenlisted, gone through the Warrior Transition Course, as planned, and was almost finished with AIT when he called me and said he had gotten orders to ship to Afghanistan. So I was going to have to go without seeing him for two whole years. But then I hear this shrill screaming outside our apartment. It was 0230 on a school night! I was worried it would wake Evan. It didn't seem to be a "help me" sort of scream, but rather a we-are-morons variety of scream. I waited for it to stop, and when it did not, I went outside to check. This may have been a mistake, seeing as I am blind as a bat when it is not dark or in the middle of the night when I am half asleep. But then I stumble my groggy arse out without glasses. I think I cussed out someone I did not know. I still have no idea who it was. I hope it was not a neighbor I am friendly with. I guess I won't be anymore if it was. So now I am sitting here, fully awake. I have been since 0300. It is now 0542, and I have already brewed coffee, had a cup and getting ready to fill 'er up a second time. I have managed to eat breakfast ( mmmmmm, Cheerios) and get my morning supply of nicotine. Lets' start the day!

Our First Night Away From Each Other

John's recruiter called a few days ago. He is picking John up and taking him to MEPS for his physical on Wednesday night of this coming week. He'll spend the night in a hotel and come home on Thursday evening after a day there This is normally where the swearing in takes place, and the official contract is signed. John's waiver is still in the process of being approved, so I don't know if he will be taking part in this portion of the process. They could wait on the waiver. Then again, they could have him go through it, so that when the waiver is finished, he will be ready to go. Either way I am sad. We have been going through this reenlistment process for so long, and now we are finally here. He's within body standards. The paperwork is all completed, and the deal is all but finished. MEPS was the last gray area, and that is being covered this week. Almost done.

How Good Is This?

John and I were arguing earlier about his lack of productivity. I have been doing laundry all day while he lays on the sofa. Well I was getting ready to get up and cook dinner when he said "No, you worked on the house all day! I'll cook dinner!" So now, instead of cooking, I am sitting here updating my blog. Sweet.

Idiots are Everywhere!

Have I ever mentioned how appalled I am by stupidity? Tonight, John and I were watchibng some documentary on the War, and my heart was breaking for these guys who were telling their stories about how they were treated like heroes for their service, when inside they felt like monsters. I am worried about John going off to war, and that fear is based on the physical danger he will face. But underneath that fear is the fear that my husband will come back as somebody different, that he will be in emotional pieces that may not fit together so well after all is said and done.

So anyhow... We are watching this show, and these guys are telling these heart-wrenching accounts of what happened and the horrors of war, then they cut to this dumb kid who told about how he was promised that, if he joined the National Guard, he would stay stateside. Excuse me? Huh? We are at WAR, son! Do these people not realize that a recruiter's prime job is to sign up fresh meat? Did he not realize that he was signing up for the ARMY National Guard? Anyone with any lick of sense would see through the promise. Was it in a contract? I bet not.

Then there was this chick, crying about how she signed up for college monies. She never dreamed she would be sent to war. Heaven forbid she had to actually EARN the money for college. Did she really believe that she would be handed an education for nothing in return? Did her mother, unlike my mother, not teach her that nothing in life is free? That you don't get something for nothing? She was probably better suited to a scholarship program or federal student aid. After all, if you want college money, they will give you that, and you do not have to ship off or withstand gunfire to do it.

Then, there was this overall feeling of disdain for the military, about how they train "killers". They focused a lot on Marine Corps boot camp. Cut to a young recruit taking a bayonet to a dummy, chanting "KILL!" with each jab. How violent! How brutal! The veterans were talking about how they were trained to kill, to stare the enemy down and simply react, like a machine. They were complaining, and the whole time, I was thinking "Do you not realize that the training you received is probably why you are able to complain about it to a camera?" You signed up for the ARMED Forces of the U.S. Did you think you were going to go over there and hand out pamphlets? One has to wonder what the hell these kids were thinking they were getting into. When, not if, my husband goes over there, I actually want him to be a "killing machine", as they put it. This means he is likely to come back intact, physically and emotionally. He will be better able to do the job asked of him. And yes, it sucks that women and children get caught in the crossfire. They were telling about how a woman was approaching a humvee, and they had weapons drawn, telling her to stop, and waving emphatically. She didn't stop, and they had to shoot her. Afterwards, on her person, they found a white flag. Sad, but sorry to say, she was stupid. These men are in a place where the people who are the biggest threat blend in with the civilians. They could have a bomb rigged to themselves and all they have to do to take out many of our men is get near enough that the detonation of whatever they have on them will hit these guys. So if you are trying to surrender, and they have their weapons drawn and are telling you to stop, wouldn't you stop? Wouldn't you ensure that they knew you had no malicious intent? Dumb.....dumb, dumb, dumb. Now our men are in pieces because they had to take the moron out.

I am a normal and sane person, and I hate to see any innocent person hurt. But I do not expect our men to put themselves in danger because of someone's gender or age. Does anyone really believe that, should these people come over and start something on our homeland, that they would have any regard to whether I was a civilian or female? Hell no they wouldn't! And our guys are in a place where an empty Coke can on the side of the road in a ditch may be a bomb! Where the enemy may be driving alongside them in a car rigged to explode and kill them. There was a clip on You Tube showing our guys driving through Iraq in a humvee and they were in traffic. Instead of sitting in traffic, they nudged the bumper of each car that was in front of them, so the car would move and let them pass. The users were making comments about how asshole-ish this was, that it is no wonder that Americans are hated. My response to that is that I hope to hell they would NOT sit in traffic and wait for the asshole next to them to explode himself in his car. These hippie tree-hugging morons want the guys to be sitting ducks, awaiting their deaths.

So anyhow, I got pissed off in a serious way, as you can tell. I don't really get into the politics of any of it. All I need to know is that my people are over there, in harms way, and I am the girl who roots for the home team, so to speak. If the powers that be say to come home, they will, and if they say send more in, they will. The way I see it, my job, as an American is to say I do not care, but that I am in support of my brothers and sisters. But I do believe that all of this crap is putting even more spin on an issue that is already about to spiral out of control. And before people let themselves be influenced by the things being said, like how these kids were fooled, they need to stop and think about it. I am sure there are some legitimate complaints about this war and the treatment of our men and women that are returning from combat, but these idiotic non-issues are not them.