A Goodbye Post

So much has happened. A brain tumor resulting a lost job and a lot of turmoil. Financial ruin. 3 crashed computers. And we almost lost it all. So what happened to me? Why did I disappear? Well, after the 3rd crash, I could not get a new system due to financial resources. I applied for every job I could and got the same response." Why should we hire you? You got fired from the only RT job you have had?" Because my employer broke labor laws by kicking me while I was down and terminated me while on FMLA for a brain tumor? Nope, not good enough. I was just about to give up. As a matter of fact, I had started to call temp agencies and see if they had any clerical positions available in the area. Anything for money. We were on the brink of losing everything. Then I just made a call to a hospital I knew about from living in Greater Cincinnati. I asked if they were hiring and they said yes, that they desperately needed therapists. I didn't even fill out an application or send a resume. I did those things after my interview. A week later, I was not only employed, but employed at a better facility with a more challenging environment. Now? I love my job. I have just completed the six weeks of departmental orientation they make clinical personnel complete to ensure I know what I am doing. Professional respect is automatic because of the credentials I carry. It is a difference like night and day. I just purchased a new computer and a new SUV. A Dell with enough memory that I do not need to worry about crashes, and a Ford Explorer, respectively. What is going on with my husband? Well that is a long story. He never did hear the results of the waiver for reenlistment into the Army. The recruiter dropped the ball, and when John, after months of no results, finally went over his head, the recruiter got upset and stopped working on it for him. Evan? Well, the kid just started 1st grade. He is doing wonderfully with the academic nature of the work. He had outgrown crayon drawings and baby books a long time ago. Each paper he brings home, from math to English, to spelling, are all perfect. He is still my pride and joy, my soft spot, my biggest downfall, and the source of those white hairs that keep popping up on my head. And we are moving. From the time John and I left Cincinnati, in 2000, I have wanted to go back. It's home. It will always be home. We've lived in Southern Kentucky, and we have lived in Southeastern, Indiana. I have given each of those places my all. But they are not where I belong. And John and Evan...well, they belong with me. For the first time in a long time, I am at a place where I have the ability to go back home. I was afraid to try it before. John and I know that city life can be cruel. If something were to happen and we were to need help, there is no place to turn. But we have been battered and bruised by the other places we have been, also. And we made it through. Together, without anyone else. So we are going to go back to Cincinnati, together. This time around I have an awesome job, and things will be different. I want to see the city lights reflecting in my son's eyes. I want him to grow up with museums, zoos, libraries at his fingertips, and cultural diversity all around him. I want the place that has been a part of me all of my life to become a part of who he is also. So why is this goodbye? When I started Constant Upheaval, it was my way to cope with the idea of my husband going back to the military after being married all of these years. This was my way to vent and speak about what was going on in my life without my words, views, and emotions influencing the decisions John had to make for himself. I no longer need that outlet. Is the military out of our life for good? Never. First of all, the Marine in John is as much a part of him as Cincinnati is of me. I can do away with that no more than the fact that he is a little older than me or that he has brown eyes. And I am so proud of him. Of all of the work he put into reenlistment. I have never seen him work so hard since the first time I laid eyes on him 8 years ago. And I have new respect for his status as a veteran. My husband served his country, and served her very well. I also have more respect for the military families out there. I can honestly say that through the involvement with various support websites, I got a glimpse into the life of a wife of a service member. I just did so with my husband by my side. I will never do these women the disservice of saying that I know what it is like to wonder if your loved one is even alive while thousands of miles away in a war zone. I didn't live through that. That experience is their way of serving their country. But I did worry about John's future safety, knowing he was making a career choice that could result in his death. These men and women of our Armed Forces will forever be in my hearts. They have truly been the most amazing people I have met. There may come a day when I am a service member myself. Before John said the words, "Andi, I want back in. I want to do my part in this war.", I was toying with the idea of a commission in the Navy to be a physician. There are some very impressive programs out there that are hard to pass up. But I also have opportunities to do that as a civilian. So when John told me what his goal was, I gladly stepped away from that so he could go after what he wanted. Now, I have the ability to do it again, and I just might. This would be off in the distance. I have to get myself in shape, take my MCAT and finish my biochemistry degree first. Would I want to do it? Yes, now more than ever. I have met the families of our military, and I can think of nothing more noble than taking care of these men and women. I never did know if I had any readers here on Constant Upheaval. Whne the new computer was set up in the house, I was eager to get back to blogging, but it had been so long that I had forgotten my email and password I used to set up the account. On the old computers, it was set to automatically sign me in when I told it to. I thought my blog was lost forever, and so I started a new blog. Then I remembered the password, but the new blog was already in the works. Which one should I keep and which one should I close? I had a dilemma. But then I thought about it. Constant Upheaval is set up as a milblog. It just did not seem appropriate to continue now that John is not reenlisting. Plus, with the changes in my life, it seemed more fitting to start anew. If, and I mean a big IF, I have any readers or followers, the new blog is called Bending and Not Breaking, and I hope to see you there. Otherwise... Goodbye, Friend.

Evan's First Night Without Daddy

Last night, as a van pulled away with my husband in it, I was more concerned with how I was going to handle it than I was my son's reaction. Evan is a very resilient little boy, adn most of the time, if one does not make a fuss over the issue, he may not even notice something is amiss. Yesterday was no exception for my baby boy. I allowed him to play outside until 2100, as those lovely summer nights equate to no nightfall until well after bedtime. He waved goodbye to Daddy and continued to play. No problem. But then bedtime hit. Teeth were brushed, jammies were donned, and the boy was tucked in. But then I heard the little footsteps padding down the stairs. Big, fat tears rolling down his little angel face. "Mommy, my Daddy's not here! You have to read me two stories since he isn't here!" His tiny fists held out two story books, and so we read. The tears continued. "Mommy, I can't give Daddy a hug and kiss goodnight!" I offered him a picture frame with a small snapshot of John in it, but this simply would not do. So I zoomed in on a picture of John's face I had saved on the computer, to where it appeared almost life-sized. Evan kissed his Daddy on the screen, but insisted he take the smaller framed picture to bed with him. But then it was "Mommy, I want to sleep in something that reminds me of Daddy." I dug through a basket of clean laundry to offer up a tee for my baby to sleep in, but no. It had to smell like Daddy. So hand-in-hand, Evan and I traipsed up the stairs to locate John's cologne so Evan could smell Daddy while he drifted off to sleep. Before I knew it, all was silent, and I was alone with my thoughts. I missed him.

He isn't .....

...At MEPS. He called his recruiter yesterday and asked when he was going to be picked up to go, and the recruiter said that there was some sort of problem with paperwork and he wouldn't be going until tonight. So here we go again.

Laziness= Me

Blee-blee-Do-da Blah-blah-blah...... Guess what? I have done nothing today other than the crying jag just completed about 2 minutes ago. I am not even cooking dinner, as our neighbors have decided that tonight is a communal taco night. So when they get home from their daughter's soccer practice, I am going to be consuming other people's food. I have not cleaned. I have not done laundry. I can't even remember if I brushed my hair, though I distinctly remember taking a shower and pulling it back. My husband is leaving tomorrow. He may come back as a committed US Soldier. So I could not care less if the laundry is done. Or the house is clean. All I care about at this point in time is absorbing all of John that I can while he is here by my side. While I can still hear him breathe as we fall asleep together at night. While I can still feel his strong arm's around me and the beat of his heart while we cuddle up to a movie. I feel like my breath is being taken from me. The mundane details will have to wait.

Nothing Quite Like Early-Morning Surfing

Okay, so it is quiet, The alarm has not gone off yet, and I am doing some research into what my husband will be asked to do over the course of the next months/ days/ years/ whatever. Some interesting stuff on Warrior Transition Course: http://www.armystudyguide.com/content/Prep_For_Basic_Training/warrior_transition_course_information/warrior-transition-course.shtml http://www.dix.army.mil/PAO/post05/post092305/WarriorCourse.htm And on Combat Medic, errr 68W Healthcare Specialist Training: http://www.cs.amedd.army.mil/68w/FC&P/FC&P.htm Apparently his training will only be 16 weeks, plus the 4 weeks or so for the Warrior Transition Course. Not too bad, actually. I am pleasantly surprised.

0300?

I was awakened by two different things this morning, both of which are extremely aggravating. The first was this awful dream I had about John and the military. He had reenlisted, gone through the Warrior Transition Course, as planned, and was almost finished with AIT when he called me and said he had gotten orders to ship to Afghanistan. So I was going to have to go without seeing him for two whole years. But then I hear this shrill screaming outside our apartment. It was 0230 on a school night! I was worried it would wake Evan. It didn't seem to be a "help me" sort of scream, but rather a we-are-morons variety of scream. I waited for it to stop, and when it did not, I went outside to check. This may have been a mistake, seeing as I am blind as a bat when it is not dark or in the middle of the night when I am half asleep. But then I stumble my groggy arse out without glasses. I think I cussed out someone I did not know. I still have no idea who it was. I hope it was not a neighbor I am friendly with. I guess I won't be anymore if it was. So now I am sitting here, fully awake. I have been since 0300. It is now 0542, and I have already brewed coffee, had a cup and getting ready to fill 'er up a second time. I have managed to eat breakfast ( mmmmmm, Cheerios) and get my morning supply of nicotine. Lets' start the day!

Our First Night Away From Each Other

John's recruiter called a few days ago. He is picking John up and taking him to MEPS for his physical on Wednesday night of this coming week. He'll spend the night in a hotel and come home on Thursday evening after a day there This is normally where the swearing in takes place, and the official contract is signed. John's waiver is still in the process of being approved, so I don't know if he will be taking part in this portion of the process. They could wait on the waiver. Then again, they could have him go through it, so that when the waiver is finished, he will be ready to go. Either way I am sad. We have been going through this reenlistment process for so long, and now we are finally here. He's within body standards. The paperwork is all completed, and the deal is all but finished. MEPS was the last gray area, and that is being covered this week. Almost done.

More News

John's waiver was submitted, but we spoke to the recruiter yesterday about getting less specific documentation to ensure it will go through. She also said it will be "highly likely" that he will get the 64W MOS. Combat Medic. He really wanted to do x-ray, but she said it isn't likely with his prior service status. He is sort of disappointed about that, but other than that, things are looking pretty good for him right now. I am starting to adapt to the idea, but I am still having episodes where I am worried and very, very sad. We are starting to plan our lives around the idea that he will be active duty before long. The good thing is that 68W will be a significantly longer AIT than just infantry. This will be six weeks and 6 months, back to back.Much, much better than just a few weeks. It will give me a better chance to adapt to the lifestyle a little bit. And get used to him being away, though I do not expect it to be the same as it would be if he were in a combat zone for a year.

We're back home after a trip to Kentucky. We took John's car, and I had not realized how accustomed I had become to my own car until I took the 4 hour ride in his. So uncomfortable! Thank goodness Evan slept most of the way, each way, or the trip would have been even more intolerable. I interviewed for a position while down there, and it seems favorable. It would have a very nice schedule associated with it (Read: No more 12-hour weekend nights). I'm keeping my fingers crossed. The plan is, if offered the position, to relocate so we could be closer to John's family. That way, should he get the MOS he wants in the Army and has 54 weeks of AIT, I could stay and work, all while having relatives close to help with Evan. Who knows, though? I am most likely giving this all too much thought.

One Step Closer

We got a call this past Monday that the commanding officer for the company needed to meet with John regarding his waiver, and that afternoon was the only day he had free. So as soon as Evan was home from school, all three of us rushed to Indianapolis to meet with him. It was very intimidating. We ended up on this old military installation filled to the brim with beautiful old buildings, all immaculately kept. Every single one of them was named after a general. As we were led by John's recruiter up some stairs to cut through some offices, Evan got scared and asked if I would hold his hand. I think this was mostly because it was later in the day and the lights were dimmed throughout much of the building. Right about the time he said this, I looked up and noticed "U.S. Marines" on the wall in huge brass letters. I looked down at him and told him we were most likely in one of the safest buildings in the country. Ha! But anyhow....The CO was a really nice guy. He made us feel at ease. He had the whole family come into his office, and it was really informal. He said he would be glad to sign off on the waiver, that he was ready to "get this done". So that part is over. Now the waiver will go to the desk of a general we will not meet, and John's future in the military will rest in his hands.

Could It Be?

John got a call from the recruiter yesterday. He said he will be calling on Monday morning at 0900 to set up an meeting between John and the Batallion Commander regarding the waiver. I was completely unaware that the Batallion cammander would be the one to approve the waiver. Apparently all that is between John now is a physical and a signature from this man he is to meet. It's very exciting and positive news and yet it also has that fear factor in there. This may be it. The main topic of this blog may change from the process of reenlistment to the pratice of being a military wife. There has been much speculation about this meeting in the past 24 hours. We are wondering if the waiver will be granted on the condition that John deploys. If that is the case, he said he would still do it, with absolutely no hesitation. It worries me and causes some sadness. I didn't really want him to say that he wouldn't, but I wanted at least a small amount of hesitation. To show he is thinking of us, the ones who will be left here at home to miss him and worry about him constantly.

I'll Be Damned! Not MY Husband!

Still Waiting

Grrrrr. Stupid Waiver! We are still waiting for word on whether John's waiver has gone through. It is driving me crazy waiting for the other shoe to drop. Is he going in? Is he staying home? Do I need to really start a new job around here, or are we moving to God-Knows-Where, USA? And he is losing his motivation, so I am having to fight the daily struggle of keeping him on task. I am drained. I am ready to either get on with this reenlistment thing or end this chapter in our life.

Code Moron

What's the Difference?

Last night a friend and I were discussing the differences in the Army and the Marine Corps that may give John difficulty when adjusting. We could not help but laugh at some of them. A few could get John into trouble. The Marine Corps does not salute indoors, and the Army does. He is going to have to recondition himself on that one. I am willing to bet he will piss off a few officers before it sinks in and becomes second nature.

But the uniforms....no boot bands and bloused trouser legs, no cover block, and no rolled sleeves. I can see John now trying to do this with his ACU's.

Anyone who has never had the pleasure of knowing a Marine will not appreciate the comedy in all of this. They are purists, and view the Corps as the representation of all that is elite, disciplined. Name tags on uniforms? No way. They are "professionals". Patches on combat uniforms? What for? And what in the hell is up with that beret? I can almost see the look of disdain on John's face when he is told to wear it.

I am saying none of this to insult the Army. But the Marine Corps is a big, bad Boys' Club with their own set of standards. I swear they must check the testosterone levels of all recruits before allowing them to attempt to enlist. And my husband is a member. Some friends have equated the military to high school athletics. The Air Force is the Freshman team, the Army is Junior Varsity, and the Marine Corps is, of course, Varsity. "Where does this leave the Navy?", I asked.

"They are the cheerleaders!"

So what is my civilian take on all of this? Quite simply, we have different branches of the Armed Forces for a reason. Each does their job. Each is composed of our American brothers and sisters fighting so we do not have to. Each suffers the loss of the other. They are all brothers.

It's just that the Corps has a far-better swagger.

Losing Steam?

Lately John has been more and more difficult to motivate. No PT. Or very rarely. For the most part he sits on the sofa, watching movies. He is pretty much eating whatever he wants, and this worries me. I am by no means a shining example of physical fitness or proper nutrition for weight loss. But I am also not the one aiming for reentry to the military. I am afraid. I am afriad that he will e shipped to Iraq or Afghanistan, into a combat situation, and will not have the physical bearing to be able to keep up. He has gained a portion of the weight back that he had initially lost. I'm not quite sure how to get him motivated. Quite honestly, I should not have to. He should be doing this on his own.

Slightly Tweaked

Why is it that John has worked on this reenlistment issue for so long, and now that the time is most likely here, I am flaking out? As I am typing this, an Army recruiter is on the way to the house to pick up some final paperwork for John's waiver, do a final taping, and have John sign his contract. This is it. Now or never. I am scared to death.

Stop-Loss

With my husband pursuing entering the Army, we wanted to see this film. I didn't originally think this vey prudent. I am prone to tears as of late, and visual imagery of patriotism and/or war seem to compound this. The day is rapidly approaching when I will no longer be just an observer. This will ultimately impact my life grossly. Unable to obtain a babysitter, we watched the film online (is it illegal to watch or just to upload???) Just John and I cuddled up with the laptop. I must say the film would most definitely be enjoyable for someone not potentially affected by the actual policy. It was enjoyable if I detached myself from the current circumstances of my life. I cried a little, especially at the imagery of a military funeral. But is it because of the moving moment of the film, or just simply that military funerals have always done this to me, long before I married a veteran or that same veteran I married decided he wanted to reenlist? And okay, I must admit, the guys in the film were HOT. You got me there! But I have to say it: Stop-Loss pissed me off. At the risk of not sounding politically correct or in-tune with our men and women in uniform, I am sticking with that statement. It seems tawdry to go to a theater on a date and buy your popcorn and Sno-Caps and sit and watch the plight of our troops on the big screen like it is there for our amusement, first of all. Yet recently watching Lions for Lambs on dvd did not have this effect on me. It may be because L for L prompted healthy discussion and political debate here in my house. I felt bad that I had this reaction to Stop-loss, so I started doing some internet research on the policy. I was sort of hoping to find some obscure fact about the practice that I had not before become aware. I didn't. I believe that the film did bring some things to light that desperately needed to be. Primarily the PTSD that is plaguing our men as they return from war. And that stop loss is real. But in the film, all of the men returning are suffering from it. I know the statistics of PTSD are staggering, but not all-encompassing. And is the reaction of the average Soldier returning from Iraq to go AWOL??? The film made this look so easy. You just find someone to help you with fake IDs and cross a border. When the main character was standing at the Mexican border, I was hoping he did not cross it. Of course the film didn't load correctlly on the computer, and it stopped at this point, so I originally didn't get to see the real ending and was really pissed off. I just thought that would portray these men as cowardly, and send the wrong message to the troops. So what is my reaction to the actual practice of Stop-Loss? Yes, it sucks. But almost everyone realizes when you sign a contract to serve, you are actually committing to several years after your active service ends known as Inactive Ready Reserves. John was IRR when the war in Iraq started. During this time, you can be called back to active service. Its just a part of military service. Would it really be better to reach the end of an active service term and return to civilian life only to be called back again? Yet there isn't any controversy over troops being recalled to active duty from IRR. This leads me to a familiar topic: Read that contract you sign, people! You cannot expect to recieve money for college, pay, medical benefits, reenlistment/ enlistment bonuses, room and board, etc, without catches and loopholes. If you can live with the loopholes, like John can, sign the papers. If not, walk away. I read in an article while doing some online reading on the issue the following quote: "....In the event of war, my enlistment in the Armed Forces continues until sixth month after the war ends, unless my enlistment is ended sooner by the President of the United States..." Well, doesn't that about sum it up? We are in war. Two of them simultaneously, to be exact. If you signed the papers, you signed the papers. I'm sorry for them and their families. My family will be among them soon. But we are doing so with the knowledge that this could very well happen to John. Two National Guardsmen sued over this, and it was shot down. They said their recruiters deceived them by not telling them about stop-loss. I did not know a recruiter was responsible for knowing every tiny detail about everything related to the military. That is why the contract is printed. They should have read it more carefully. I am glad a judge shot their claim down. We are at war. We need troops, and the Army is under-performing in the task of getting new bodies to enlist. Its either stop-loss or a draft in order to keep the man-power needed to do the job. At least stop-loss is utilizing troops who are already committed and volunteered.

Wardrobe Problem?

Okay.....My husband is one of those guys who will just throw on anything that is clean and hit the door. Sometimes this results in mismatches, or he will lift his arm in public and see a hole in the underarm or something equally embarrassing. I try to remove these items from circulation while doing his laundry, but am human and sometimes miss things.

So we are getting ready to leave to go and meet with his recruiter. I am frazzled, as I have an interview and am trying to make sure I have all that I need, so I do not pay any attention to what he is wearing. I know he does not look like a bum, as I would have noticed this.

We get to the recruiter's office, and all of the guys start commenting on what an ugly shirt he is wearing. I look and see he has a Marine Corps tee on with his jeans. To an Army recruiter's office!

The recruiters were teasing him, and told him he was not to wear it anymore, handing him an Army tee. He changed.

On another note, after a follow-up telephone conversation, it would seem all systems are go for the Army.

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

On a completely different note: I love this song, and have been singing it in my head all day. Just an FYI.

Because He Still Wants To......

We started this journey so long ago. First, he was thinking about being a Corpsman because he wanted to be in the medical aspect of things. Then it was the Marine Corps because that is what he knows. Then other things in our life forced his reenlistment to take the back burner while we worked on getting things in order. He lost 80 pounds, then gained some of it back, then lost it, then gained a little more back. Then all hell broke loose in our lives, and things changed drastically. Through all of this, he still wants to reenlist. But the focus has now become getting him some sort of education completed so in the event that I cannot work, we will not be completely out of sorts. So how does he get both?

He contacted the Army. After being in this game for a little while, even I was impressed with what they had to say. Back in as an E-4, as in no loss of rank. PFT and body composition standards that will not break the back of a man who has been a civilian for almost a decade. Possibly even back in as an E-5 because he has completed 80 college credits as a civilian. Still no boot camp, but only a 2-week orientation of sorts. Almost guarunteed the MOS of combat medic, with said training allowing him to be a practicing civilian EMT upon discharge. Possible radiography tech training and credentials, which he wanted as a civilian but found the waiting list for nearby programs to be too long. A break for me. I could slacken my work hours a little and focus on getting that pre-med degree finished, at least. Relocation from an area he hates. This could possibly be the best opportunity for my family. BUT.........

I am still scared. Unlike before, when I refused to tell him what I wanted, I have agreed with him verbally. This could theoretically fix all of our problems right now. It could make things better. But is it worth the risk? We are not so naiive to believe that this all comes without a cost. We know for a fact that he will ship off to war. It could be immediately or it could be a year after training. Unlike the Marine Corps, the Army deploys for twelve to fifteen months, at the least. That is a very long time for my husband and Evan's father to be gone. And what if something happens to him? Of course, everyone that leaves for a combat zone believes they will be like the other guys they know who came back safely. But they would be foolish to believe that they could not be, instead, the one on their hometown news broadcast in the flag-draped casket. Or the veteran they show learning to walk with his new prosthetic.

It feels like a gigantic gamble. Like we would be pawning something very dear to us, which we can't live without, not knowing if we will be able to ever get it out of hock. My mother always taught me to not gamble with anything you cannot afford to lose for good. And there could never be enough money in the world to make up for the loss of my John. I would never be whole again. He is a part of me after all of these years, after all.

I am at a loss. I am finding a hard time stopping him from doing something that will get us out of this situation. But I am also having a hard time with the danger of it all. Is this the only way out? And after a year, with him still wanting to reenlist, would any other solution be acceptable to him? Is he just doing this to get us out? Or is he using our current circumstances as a justification for going back in? I'm afraid I will never know the true answer to these questions.